May 5, 2009
TO: Renounce Renounce
An Important Announcement from the Office of the President
April 30, 2009
RE: PURCHASE OF THREE AVALANCHE-HURRICANE TRUCKS
*A Note to the New School Community,*
As Commencement approaches and the academic year winds down, The Office of the President would like to take the opportunity to announce the acquisition of three Russian produced Avalance-Hurricane crowd-control vehicles. As noted in the New York Times clipping accompanying this email, these “anti-democracy” trucks (as they are called by the factory employees who produce them) are shrouded in steel armor, come standard with brick-and-cobblestone-resistant window grilles, sprinklers attached to tanks of pepper spray, speakers that can emit ear-splitting noise, and a joystick-operated water cannon capable of toppling protestors from dozens of yards away.
Given the recent episodes of social unrest caused by fringe groups of New School University student-consumers/terrorists and the immediate risk of further unrest at our many upcoming commencement activities, we feel strongly that the purchase of the half-million dollar crowd-control vehicles are a prudent proactive step in ensuring an orderly and pleasant end-of-year for all. Moreover, following consultation with some of the most prestigious marketing firms in the country, we feel that the acquisition of these trucks will reinforce The New School’s growing reputation as a center for progressive and radical thought that serves as an exemplary trend-setting model for Universities everywhere. In keeping with our rebranding efforts, we are especially delighted to note the special arrangements we have made with the Vargashi factory to place our distinctive graffiti-like logo in super-sized font along the sides and front grille of the crowd-control vehicles. Our consultants estimate that the media coverage generated by these vehicles will lead to a 7.31% increase in enrollment, putting us on target for the 09-10 Academic Year.
In closing, we wish to underscore the central place that radical dissent and freedom of expression have always had in the history of our University. The acquisition of these vehicles should in no way be taken as representing a step backwards from our cherished traditions. As we have repeatedly outlined in prior “RENOUNCE RENOUNCE” emails, student-consumers who properly apply for a demonstration-permit before staging collective expressions of any kind need not fear that these crowd-control vehicles or alternative responses such as the NYPD anti-terrorism squad will be used against them. On the other hand, those who fail to secure permission to protest in a manner, space, and time slot determined by us waive their rights of dissent and relinquish their freedoms of collective expression. It is against this group of fringe radicals that the powerful cannons of our new crowd-control vehicles will be aimed.
With warm congratulations to all our graduates and best wishes for a pleasant summer,
– The Office of the President